Platte River Half Reflections
This is not my traditional post-race recap. Generally I keep things on this blog very focused on my health/athletics, not a lot of other personal stuff comes in. But today will be different.
I didn’t run the race I wanted today. By mile 5 I knew it wasn’t going to be my day, and I spent the next 8 miles with excuses running through my brain. I actually considered just stopping as I felt my goal wasn’t attainable. But I kept going, telling myself at least to fight for a PR.
I DID PR, and after the race I texted my Mom that I hadn’t met my goal, but I did PR (I also gave her a few of the excuses I’d come up with). She told me to call her. I couldn’t call right away because of the wind, but once I got back to my car I dialed. I actually considered hanging up before she answered, because I didn’t want to talk about my race. I was disappointed in myself.
Mom asked about the race, and I was a bit dismissive. I was feeling sorry for myself and a bit upset. But there was more in her voice.. I asked how she was, and she told me my grandma, her mother, had passed away the night before.
Well in an instance my frustration with myself was intensified. I’d been upset about a silly race, and here was something actually real. And it touched me and also pained me that my Mom waited until after my race was over to share. She has always been so supportive of me and didn’t want to derail my race by telling me sooner.
My grandma and I weren’t close: I haven’t seen her in 4 years and it was probably a good 7 or 8 before that. So its not so much the personal loss that is affecting me so much as the juxtaposition of “importance”. Here I was beating myself up over three minutes in a race when the world has changed.
I may write a race report for this one, but I also may not. Part of me just wants to release myself from the weight of responsibility for how this race went, and just move on. Embrace the joys of life and the people in it, and not get too caught up in being less than perfect.